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People keep saying that they’re praying for us/me.  I find it hard to accept.  If this is what I feel like while people are praying… 

Well, apparently I’m just not in a good place.  It seems self-absorbed to be so desperately depressed when others are actually grieving, but it is still what’s going on for me.  I spend a lot of time just trying not to lose it.

I wish that I could be strong and supportive for Mr. Swiv.
I wish that I could be always smiling like Martha. I want to laugh often and easily like Colette. I wish that I was everyone’s good friend, as Ben was. Maybe funerals and memorials aren’t advisable places to be when you’re depressed.



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Today I am doing some furious cleaning.

Because, y’know, it’s either that or weeping.


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I feel so powerless.

After yesterday’s plane crash, there’s so much pain and tumult and uncertainty. I can do nothing.

Four people died today when a small plane flying from Winnipeg crashed at an isolated First Nation in northern Ontario. Officials with the Transportation Safety Board say the twin-engine Piper PA 31 crashed into North Spirit Lake at about 10 a.m. while attempting to land at the airstrip at North Spirit Lake First Nation. Five people were on board the plane, including the pilot. The TSB confirmed there is one male survivor of the crash.

Hildebrand said there is no control tower at the 1,066-metre-long airstrip, adding landings are left up to the pilot’s discretion. Hildebrand said the plane, built in 1977, was not required to have a voice or flight recorder.

Local resident Martha Campbell died in the crash, along with Ben Van Hoek and Colette Eisinger, two members of Aboriginal Strategies Inc., a Winnipeg-based native consulting firm, Rae said.

People on the small, closely-knit reserve are devastated, Rae said. The reserve is located about 300 kilometres north of Kenora and is accessible only by air or by winter road. Eric Feldman, principal of the Victoria Linklater School on the reserve, said the community is coping with the tragedy with almost no resources on the ground. “There is no emergency equipment whatsoever here,” he said. “There’s no firefighting equipment, not even an ambulance. They were putting the fire out with snow. The one survivor they took to the nursing station.”

Officials from the Transportation Safety Board are headed to the community to investigate.


North Spirit only has a doctor on site one day a month, and it was yesterday; I’m so glad for that. I’m so glad that Brian will go home to his wife and kids. But our hearts ache for the other families.

I’m concerned about ASI, and about how my husband can cope with suddenly running a grieving and frightened company whose president and another employee just died in a plane crash.  The ramifications are extensive.




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“To know how good you are at something requires the same skills as it does to be good at that thing. If you’re absolutely hopeless at something, you lack exactly the skills that you need to know that you’re absolutely hopeless at it. Most people who have absolutely no idea what they’re doing, have absolutely no idea that they have no idea what they’re doing.”