Crying is the new normal, unfortunately.
I have a good first-world life, but it feels hellish without God. Isn’t that a big part of hell – the absence of God?

I don’t know… what to do.
There’s nothing to do.
Nothing will make it better.
Nothing will cause God to show up.
It feels like I am turning in all directions, but He’s nowhere.

Is there a way to NOT be depressed in this situation?  I don’t see how.

Most of the time I don’t think at all. (That’s pretty obvious)
There’s a zombie-Swivels. She washes dishes. She buys groceries. She does laundry.

Decisions are nearly impossible, because I am depressed and apparently I haven’t yet re-learned to trust myself.

Sometimes I cry because I am sad, but more often because I’m afraid.
I tentatively poke around and ask what I’m afraid of.
I’m afraid of being depressed. I’m afraid of being alone. I’m afraid Mr. Swiv won’t want to stay with a depressed wife. I’m afraid my depression will make him feel worse. I’m afraid that God truly isn’t real and I will forever be alone inside my head.

I’m supposed to reach out. That’s incredibly difficult. Being with me is no fun at all. I don’t want to be with me, so why would I inflict myself on you?

I’ve been trying to be an observer. Like, “hmm, I am feeling down.” Watching it, trying to put some distance in there.
It doesn’t work well when things get bad.

I am apparently still all about revenge. Happiness comes when daydreaming about hurting or humiliating that person, or, more productively, when thinking of sending an email that expresses myself to them.  If it would hurt them – so what? If God’s not around, what’s the motivation for caring about that?

Happiness doesn’t happen many other ways these days.

 

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