COMMUNITY

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From Nick Fiedler’s The Hopeful Skeptic

He said the only thing that kept his thoughts on God positive (after the accident) was that, immediately, calls and e-mails came in from all over… and they were full of thoughts of love and promises of continual prayer. I think what he felt was a community that Jesus had established 2000 years ago.

I had to leave my community at at time when I desperately need it.

I struggle with resentment and grief over this loss. Although my community’s response was good immediately, it has understandably trickled away to nothing. Now we are alone.
There are a few friends who remain part of my life, but it is not the same as being part of a community.

 

 

I CAN’T SEE VERY FAR

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I was about to give up and that’s no lie
cardinal landed outside my window
threw his head back and sang a song so beautiful it made me cry
took me back to a childhood tree, full of birds and dreams

from this one place I can’t see very far
in this one moment I’m square in the dark
these are the things I will trust in my heart:
you can see something else, something else

I don’t know what’s making me so afraid
tiny cloud over my head, heavy and grey with a hint of dread
I don’t like to feel this way

take me back to a window seat
with clouds beneath my feet

from this one place I can’t see very far
in this one moment I’m square in the dark
these are the things I will trust in my heart:
you can see something else, something else

 

CAPTIVE TO A BLINDING DOUBT

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I know I should be strong enough to walk alone,
to make my own way down this winding road
but I’m broken and I need you, please, to pull me through
I need someone to hold on to
pull me through
I don’t know who else to turn to
when life is a struggle and I am in trouble, I need you to pull me through

breathe out
I’m a captive to a blinding doubt
I’m trying hard just to figure it out
If you can hear me than I need you, please, to pull me through
I need someone to hold on to
pull me through
I don’t know who else to turn to
when life is a struggle and I am in trouble, I need you to pull me through

I’m reaching out, I’m reaching out

pull me through
I need someone to hold on to
pull me through
I don’t know who else to turn to
when life is a struggle and I am in trouble, I need you to pull me through

MY DOG IS CONCERNED BECAUSE I’M CRYING SO HARD

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Crying is the new normal, unfortunately.
I have a good first-world life, but it feels hellish without God. Isn’t that a big part of hell – the absence of God?

I don’t know… what to do.
There’s nothing to do.
Nothing will make it better.
Nothing will cause God to show up.
It feels like I am turning in all directions, but He’s nowhere.

Is there a way to NOT be depressed in this situation?  I don’t see how.

Most of the time I don’t think at all. (That’s pretty obvious)
There’s a zombie-Swivels. She washes dishes. She buys groceries. She does laundry.

Decisions are nearly impossible, because I am depressed and apparently I haven’t yet re-learned to trust myself.

Sometimes I cry because I am sad, but more often because I’m afraid.
I tentatively poke around and ask what I’m afraid of.
I’m afraid of being depressed. I’m afraid of being alone. I’m afraid Mr. Swiv won’t want to stay with a depressed wife. I’m afraid my depression will make him feel worse. I’m afraid that God truly isn’t real and I will forever be alone inside my head.

I’m supposed to reach out. That’s incredibly difficult. Being with me is no fun at all. I don’t want to be with me, so why would I inflict myself on you?

I’ve been trying to be an observer. Like, “hmm, I am feeling down.” Watching it, trying to put some distance in there.
It doesn’t work well when things get bad.

I am apparently still all about revenge. Happiness comes when daydreaming about hurting or humiliating that person, or, more productively, when thinking of sending an email that expresses myself to them.  If it would hurt them – so what? If God’s not around, what’s the motivation for caring about that?

Happiness doesn’t happen many other ways these days.

 

LEADERSHIP

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“Often we identify leaders as those people who speak up the most and the fastest, whether or not their ideas are the best.”
– Adam S. McHugh