The past 5.5 months haven’t been fun.  I have learned, though, as Sara Groves says, there are“different kinds of happy.”

I am very thankful for some friends who’ve been supportive through this mess.

Lately I’ve been having difficulty with feeling pitied by those who know the details.  I guess pity would be a natural reaction, and not necessarily as “bad” as avoidance.  Still, it is not something that sits well with me.

Betrayal is hard to recover from. I still roll up and down, intro depression and sometimes up into joy. What do I need from my friends? I don’t always know, but here are some jumbled ideas:  When I’m not doing well, someone maybe should keep tabs on me or help me get out from under the cloud. I don’t need to be talked out of my decisions. I needed people who were as outraged about it as I was.  I didn’t need to have the mess minimized. I do need to hear how my friends are feeling.

Royal Wood sings I wish that I could build a time machine …and save all this trouble for my present self.  While this deeply resonates with the trembling wounded parts of me, long & careful reflection continues to convince me that there was no way I could have prevented this. Without a confession of the extent to which this went, no one would have believed it possible. Sometimes only a tragedy can wake someone up to what is real, and cause them to change their belief & behavior.
The current state, based on truer belief & behavior, is nearly worth the pain.

So don’t pity me. True, you wouldn’t have wanted to live my past year yourself, but I might now actually be in a deceptively better place than you are.