I got to thinking that America isn’t like a bully, or a jock, or a cool kid.  In the high school of the world, America is like one of those girls that’s just effortlessly beautiful.  So beautiful you can’t even have a crush on her. A girl like that isn’t deliberately mean, it’s just that she can’t possibly understand how lucky she is. And people always do what she wants, without her even realizing it, so she never bothers becoming smart, or savvy about the other kids in school. Just with her airhead remarks, she’s always accidentally screwing up the whole order of things. She doesn’t even realize it.
Now, when you have a girl like that, the other kinda-pretty girls sort of like her but sort of hate her. That’s maybe Germany or France. And the ugly girls talk about her in the locker room, but are still totally afraid of her.  That’s Venezuela and Iran. The regular-looking dudes can’t help but be awed by her.  Maybe they try to woo her with poems. That’s Great Britain.  And the real twisted kids develop unhealthy obsessions about destroying her, just because they’re so infuriated at how unfair things are.
Anyway, that’s the brilliant geopolitical metaphor I came up with after two months of world travelling.
It seems to work.  Then again I have no idea because there weren’t any girls at my high school.


– Steve Hely

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